"And it breaks her heart"

In the interest of our family's privacy I have left out many of the graphic details of Andy's ordeal, and feel it's appropriate to do so, although I had started a private diary with these things to get them out of my head.  Eventually I couldn't continue with that, because I realized the act of writing began to commit them to memory, and I'd rather not.  I'm sure other people who have experienced a loved one's suffering know there are many details that only the nurses and close family will witness.

It's very difficult for me to be away from him.  I keep thinking about him in that room, the discomfort he is in, if he needs me even to just hold his hand.  Joe and Adam are switching off being with him, which is a great help, but I still want to be near my husband.   

The last 16 years have been spent living and working together from home.  What I wouldn't give to pop up to his attic-studio and hear him say "Hey, sweetie, what's up?"

 

 

Audra came by exactly when I needed her most.

 

I am home recovering, and my sweet sister Audra made me soup from scratch and her own blend of peach and green tea.  It helped a lot.  We watched her favorite episodes of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" and "King of the Hill", two shows I've never seen, and had a nice time together.

Audra is a new mom, and a good one, too, her baby turned one just two weeks ago, and she showed me pictures of Callum playing with the car set Andy sent them.  

 

Callum playing with the toy Andy sent him for his first birthday.  

Andy started buying Callum toys before he was born, and has stored them to parcel out at different birthdays.  In my studio now is a half-complete set of Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars in a travel container to give to him when Callum turns 4.

Sitting on our stairs are 4 boxes of army men for him.  An extra box for Andy to keep here.

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Andy also sent my cousin's baby a flying helicopter, which we were happy to find out is his favorite toy.  Andy bought one for himself, of course, because he loves toys and is just a kid at heart.  In fact, our house is covered in toys, (many of them have to be moved if you want to take out a book) and Andy being a voracious reader often has stacks of books around that he has started.

I used to be on Andy's case all the time about the huge piles of books that covered all the flat surfaces, how he would make a new office out of every place he sat, how there were always a thousand tiny toys everywhere. 

None of that bothers me now.  It's all reminders of his presence.  He existed here just two weeks ago, these are his things. 

I've started sleeping on his side of the bed, started wearing his shirts, started using his mugs.  

It's so surreal.  Just two weeks ago he was sitting here, drawing.   Just two months ago we were out on our deck, drinking coffee like a typical morning.  Everything has changed. 

 

 

Andy has been my friend since I was 19.  We've been a pair since I was 20.  I can't think of myself as a complete person without him.  Every one of my purses and desk drawers contains a love note he has written me, specially kept around in case I need a boost.  

He encouraged me to go to the School of Visual Arts, and become a full-time professional illustrator.  He encourages me to value myself, and protected me from being taken advantage of with bad contracts.  When I act like I can't do something, he is shocked I could possibly feel that way.  He has total confidence in me all the time.  

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We've spent almost every day together for the past 22 years. 

I just don't think that's enough.

Our wedding day; October 10th, 2010

 

 Andy and I love this song, Audra does too.  I don't know if I can listen to it without breaking down.

Maybe someday. 

 

Many thanks to:

Aunt Priscilla, Uncle Adrian, Alden, Aunt Faith

Birgit and Luis