Dazed and Abused

Thank you to everyone who prayed for Andy's bronchoscopy.

They will put it off until tomorrow so that his blood counts can be in a better place and hopefully calm down some other difficulties he is dealing with.

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We are now past the second month of being on this cancer journey since Andy's diagnosis at the end of June.  The first month was nothing compared to the struggles we find ourselves in now.  I hesitate to even use the word "journey" because it is more like an arduous trek, a slog, an ordeal...

I am beginning to feel like I am in a daze.  I don't know what day it is, how long we've been here, if there was something I forgot to do... what papers did the insurance company need again?  What did the nephrology team say?

When he is finally able to nap, sometimes I wander the campus, but not for long because he may need help or have a visit from doctors.

 

Empty areas on a quiet Sunday night, before the classes are in session again.

 

 

The new school year has started and the medical students are back now, and I realize our entire summer vacation has been given over to cancer.  

Which I have no feeling about either way, The Daze is beginning to shut down opinion. 

I even locked my keys in my car for the first time in over a decade.  Luckily my friends were there to save the day with a valid AAA membership and coffee.

I am noticing a well-formed bruise on my leg where I jump out of the recliner to help Andy in the middle of the night, and this spot will hit the wood on the arm rest.  Friendly PCAs offer me a stretcher but it's easier to get out of the chair quickly.  I don't do any of this out of guilt, he'd do it for me.

But no matter what I go through, he has it worse.

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The difficulties Andy suffers are extremely painful to witness.  Yesterday he had a bout of vomiting, unable to keep even a bite of melon down.  It is often hard for him to get comfortable, he is unable to get in and out of bed without great strain on his abdomen and his lymph node biopsy site still hurts a great deal even though it was done two weeks ago.  He is prone to migraines, trouble breathing, nose bleeds, nausea, digestive issues and joint pain along with swelling in his legs and feet.  He has severe purple bruises on his arms where he has been stuck, even from many days previous.

It's cruel and unusual what is happening to him, and sometimes I can't process it.

At 3am, in preparation for his bronchoscopy he was give an IV infusion of supportive platelets, which is also given with fluids.  Because his kidneys are causing him to retain fluid, he had another strong round of Lasix, which meant more in-and-out of bed all night.

When he is finally back in bed and comfortable, it's now Monday, which means the quieter weekend time is over, and a new Resident (student) Doctor will announce herself brightly and loudly at 8:15am.

"MR. FISH?  HELLOOOO, I'm DOCTOR _blah blah_ I'm the RESIDENT here today OKAAAAY... how ARE YOU my FRIEND?? .... I DON'T BELIEVE we've MET YET... do you KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE TODAY?  I hear you AREN'T FEELING SO GOOD...."

My husband, who has been put through a poison meat grinder and has no voice, an infection in his lungs and a cancer in each of his immune systems... wincing at the light in his face still manages a polite greeting.

We are really missing Dr. Rebekah E. at this point, who was on previously, had an easy going disposition and we enjoyed working with her very much.

Thank God for Dr. Laurie Pearson, who is the Hematology/Oncology Fellow who oversaw the big plan for Andy, told us she has seen patients with more complications than him and while I am sad for those particular people, glad that he is not the worst case she's taken on.

She will be off now, and we will go into the hands of a new Hema/Onc Fellow for a while.  We will miss her.

I am happy to know my dear friend Paula is working the overnight shift, so I will try to connect with her at some point.

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Many thanks to:

Jim R., Andy S., Stephen B., Kim N., Liz W., Andrea,

RN Kelly, Riley and her sweet dad with the Hospital At Home team,

The lovely Night Nurse whose name I didn't catch but helped us out in a 4am jam,

my wonderful friends who helped get my locked keys out of my car / talk me down,

wonderful former student Alex B. and fellow artist Scott Nelson for the kind words.

Dr. Rebekah E., Dr. Laurie Pearson, Dr. Cerny

 THANK YOU   THANK YOU   THANK YOU

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 A lonely walk at dusk to get some air.  

I can see Andy's room on 8 from here, top row of windows, second set in.  The shades are drawn.