I had to order my wake and funeral dress, (couldn't bring myself to leave the house) and decided it would be something to wear once and never again. Going through our wedding memories and the rest of my photos of him throughout our relationship for the slideshow and reception took a full day just to process emotionally. I was overcome with guilt over so many pointless worries and arguments we had in the early days. The kids will be showing me so many of their personal memories tomorrow, from days before I knew him. This, I look forward to.
I also will wear one of his watches on the left wrist (as he wore it) and the vintage watch he gave me for Christmas on my right (as I wear it) as well as his Hellboy pin.
Ordering casket flowers felt so uncomfortable as well, but I tried to feed in a happy memory of Andy to offset that. Every spring Andy would give me $200 and say "Go get a ton of flowers for the front porch - whatever you think would look good. Let's have it overflow with blooms."
I had to go into Andy's studio the other day to access our tax files on his computer. I had been avoiding going up there and realized I hadn't been back since sometime in early August, maybe even the end of July. I used to pop up to the 3rd floor a few times a day, lay on his pink shag carpet and just talk. He would stop whatever he was doing and chat with me, no matter how much time it took, he helped me work through anything until I was good. I took up so much of his work time and he never complained.
It broke my heart to hear the echos of his voice in my head talking about how he wanted more than anything to finish his art projects and work on novels, a passion he had been harboring for many years. "It's important to me, Veronica."
Our plan was for him to finish his comic commitments and begin just writing all day, enjoying the dog, morning coffee with me and future grandchildren.
When his computer started up, I got a snap shot of his last studio time before being hospitalized. I got insight into his emails, which were always so kindly written and hid nothing from me which came as no surprise. His browsing history and tabs were all toys, comics and weather reports. He had butterscotch candies strewn about and an unfinished grape Powerade.
His messages showed so many loving and joking responses to friends and family. It was crushing to see our texts include less of his responses as he became unable to type.
I think back to my last interaction with him while he was fully conscious, before the ICU.
"I love you"
I'll be missing our quarterly tax filing deadline but who really cares. It's hard to care about anything right now.
The wake is tomorrow and it will be a surreal experience to walk in the room to see Andy's casket for the first time. We were glad the funeral director also showed us a back door we can escape through.
None of us want it to get here.
I have been dreading the funeral more than anything, specifically the burial. I suspect there will be a fair amount of PTSD from that moment. However, we will continue to cling to the love of friends and family to carry us through these gales.
I do look forward to hearing many wonderful stories and seeing many wonderful people tomorrow, as it will be the celebration of his rich and beautiful life that is at the center of this; the eye of the storm.
Many thanks to:
Mike and Bridget,
Sally and Renee, Pat and Dan, Alex D.,
Ben, Tony, Mike, Patti and Tom, Stacey, Greg, Gavin and Hailey,
Jess and KJ, Donna, Sean, Bruce, and Ari, Paul T.,
Alexa and Joe and Audra,
and thank you for reading
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I love the image of the Pink Shag Rug. Andy could be unexpected and always cool. The wake was hard, and I’m sure the funeral was awful, despite all the surrounding love. Hugs to you.
ReplyDelete