Being at church again after the funeral

I was not prepared for the shock upon returning to mass today.  

Our church has been a part of our lives for 10 years, and the people there are family.  When we closed on our house exactly 10 years ago this week, it was Andy who found the church when I suggested I'd like to go back after being away from it for many years.  Faith was a part of my life as a kid through confirmation, but I lost interest after college for a while, then suddenly moving in to this house felt like I wanted to go back.  He didn't question it just said "Ok, we'll find a place."  And the church became a second home to us for a long time.  Andy even headed up the Coffee Shop teams there for a while and volunteered on the Parish Council.  

He was so good at that, knowing how to manage groups of people, how to organize things, how to help people work toward a common goal.

It was "Welcome Weekend" and a old friend was meeting me there to check it out and see if it was a good fit for her and her kids.  It has been persistently stormy, windy and rainy.  A supremely deary weekend.  Even so, running from the parking lot, felt almost like a normal Sunday.

However, when I got to the entrance and started walking in, I suddenly felt a flash of being back at the funeral procession just 11 days ago, reliving that morning.  I was overcome with tremors but was relieved to sit with James, who gave me a tight, meaningful hug.  I played with Andy's watch and wedding ring, unable to take his coat off.  

I stared at the blue aisle carpet, picturing his casket there, the flower arrangements, the Deacon in white, hearing his hymns.  I remember what it was like to concentrate on his face on the program.  "Hi sweetie..."

The readings for the week kept saying phrases like "he humbled himself even to the point of death... he shall not die... he shall not die... he shall not die"

Finally, after Communion I had to leave, weakened again by the sensation of profound grief, the memories of following his casket as it was being pushed out beyond the sunlit doors, watching him being carried into the hearse... still fresh...

With the help of Sarah I was able to make it downstairs to coffee and donuts, greeted by many loving and supportive friends.  It was difficult, but I made it through the day.

Dr. Bob, a nice older gentleman at our parish always left the current sudoku clipping for Andy and me every Sunday.

I opened the envelope he had left for us over multiple weeks of Andy's time in the hospital.  It broke me to see "for Andy Fish" turn into "How's Andy?" turn into "Please call me, how's Andy doing" into "Fish Family" and finally "Veronica"...

It was so terribly painful to see that evolution... but managed to get through it again with friends' support.

 

In other news:

The boys are away at Baltimore Comicon and I was excited to hear from an artist friend that actor / comic writer David Dastmalchian toasted Andy at the Ringo Awards this weekend.  The Ringos are the Emmys of the comic book industry.  He did it because Andy helped him through some difficult moments he had struggling on his sobriety journey.  They also bonded over Kolchak the Nightstalker and Svengoolie episodes.  David and Andy had a genuine friendship and our family was touched he thought of him like that.

Congratulations to our friends and colleagues in the industry who won and were nominated, I feel honored Andy and I get to work with such incredible people!

And so...

I can honestly say I felt Andy come through in a couple of ways this weekend.

So far I have felt him in: (and I say this in all earnestness) two monarch butterflies (who followed me from the bank), an elegant and friendly Husky dog (Andy always wanted a Husky), a neon orange sunset (his favorite color), a strong gust of wind and then in following songs which we loved very much:

 

 

Talking Heads "This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody)

 

We loved watching the concert "Stop Making Sense" and I even got Andy a projector and screen one year so we could watch it in grand style in the living room. 

 

Dave Matthews Band "You and Me"

I used to make fun of Andy because I'm actually not a giant fan of this band, but he turned me with a few great ones, and now when I hear this I think of how much it meant to him.  I can hear how he saw our relationship through it and it makes it so much more meaningful.

.................................................

Many thanks to all the people who helped me this weekend:

Kim and Rob, Elaine and Chuck, Jeena and Josh,

Jan E., Heather and Jessica, Alison C.,

Katy and Scotty, Donna, Pat and Dan, The Whites,

The Kellys, The Bergers, The Moughans, The Balboas,

Lisa, Erin and Emily, Mike D., Joann

and everybody at our church

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

 

This cover struck me in particular today, it moves me so deeply.

Somehow it made me think of the young couple Andy and I once were, the home we built, of the baby we wanted so badly, of the happy memories we created in this house with the 3 boys.  I know the next hurdle after being solitary will be how I can possibly fill Andy's shoes as a parent to them.  More than anything in the world, I won't let my relationship with them to slacken or drift. 

They are the greatest treasures in my life, not only as pieces of him living on, but as individually wonderful people.

 

Rufus Wainwright "Maybe" from Annie The Musical